How to Have Hard Conversations With Tough People

I believe we can do hard things together, which is why I write pieces intended to inspire you.

In the past, I've written articles about why and how we benefit from loving speech. I've also written articles about the harm of polarity and how the ego plays a major role in our suffering, but this post offers real skills on how to actually have hard conversations with people you struggle with, like REALLY tough people.

There's value in this work if you desire to advance spiritually, heal relationships, and achieve peace in your heart. A Course In Miracles says: "exempt no one from your love, or you will be hiding in a dark place in your mind," and "by not offering total love, you will not be healed completely."  I agree, we cannot be fully heart-centered when we are still holding hate, fear, or resentment. 

Pic: Island Mountain Pat

It should come as no surprise that right now, the world is in crisis, or what the Akasha would call, in chrysalis. Division and space seem to not only be a biproduct, but a recommended coping skill of disagreement. This is a powerful time with rich opportunities for change, yet so many of us are holding on steadily to our dogmatic views. For example, we might be in major deadlocks because we cannot meet people, ideas, or changes on a bridge of common ground. When this happens, we stay hidden in pockets of familiarity insulated with propaganda, people, lifestyles and media that reinforce our chosen beliefs. If and when we are exposed to diversity, we have little tolerance or skills to navigate it. The Akasha says this is toxic. In order to grow, we must stretch, come out of the cave, listen to others, engage in meaningful dialogue, use advanced skills to understand others, and have the courage to evolve our own perspectives. Of course, the inner work is first and foremost needed, for what we struggle with tolerating outwardly, has an important reference point within our own fears or traumas. 

And I get it, certain conversations or people can just be hard, and this is when we tend to defend, yell, blame or run away (all classic egoic survival skills). Perhaps it might help to understand what's behind these reactions so that you can summon greater compassion in those moments. People act badly because of unique life experiences, ancestry, maturity, emotional wounds, past life trauma, lack of opportunities for practice, little exposure to diversity, and more. If people could be better, they would do better. That's why the unconscious, reactive responses of badly behaving people show up automatically- it's just what they have to work with in their bank account. Pained people like this are suffering tremendously. They unfortunately stay stuck in trauma cycles just bobbing along until they are triggered. When that happens, they react and communicate in their patterned ways that reflect, replay and protect that original pain. It helps me to reset my view and invoke empathy in those moments by imagining the person as a child, not getting what they really needed emotionally. I also remind myself that all people are of made of God, some just block out the light more than others. 

Consider this:

Healed people have the ability to hold space for diversity because they've done the inner work and can withstand dissonance. 

Pained people fiercely defend themselves when confronted with change because they fear being reinjured/retraumatized. 

I believe in your ability to communicate with skillfulness. While not all people are capable of doing so, many are, including you. It feels important to qualify that not ALL are deserving of your time and energy. Some pained people are unable to show up with self control in a conversation and you'll need boundaries for that. Therefore, we need to assess what feels safe, but not use that as an excuse to stay hidden and in avoidance from difficult moments because hard conversations aren't always toxic conversations. Engage in honest self-reflection by knowing your own triggers and walk away from abusive situations like gaslighting, manipulation, and aggression.

Below are Akashic tips for having difficult conversations with tough people. May you use them to stretch and grow. May you use them to help heal collective anger that drives so many people out of their hearts, and into the dark corners of their minds. 

1. Breathe: Move slow and hold no expectations

2. Put your ego down: Talk for the purpose of connection more so than for the purpose of being right 

3. Watch: Be aware of your own triggers so that can you be the witness of yourself

3. Be still: Focus on listening, really understanding what others are saying

4. Go deeper: Seek to look beyond words and strive instead to observe the true heart nature of another 

5. Kindness: Observe with the eyes of compassion by visualizing others as children, with purity 

6. Perspective: Choose to see the pain underneath any bad behavior displayed

7. Model fairness: Lead with a give and take dialogue by transparently asking for, and doing it 

8. Don't attach to outcome: Focus on how you show up versus controlling another 

9. Lean in: Look for talking points that highlight common ground

10. Reflect. Summarize what you hear and use feeling words 

Take some time and practice these. Perhaps try them when in conflict with people you love and trust first, before giving it a go with someone you have high tension with. In fact, try these with yourself. Our own inner critic and deep fears need this nourishment most. How many of us are harsh and unkind to ourselves? Khalil Gibran:  'And God said "Love your enemy." And I obeyed and loved myself.'

And remember, this is high work that requires mastery and intention. Don't give up. We need you. If the world has a chance to change, it's going to take leaders like you with open hearts eager to bridge the gaps of separation that have forged. 

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