Independence from Fear: Learning to Love the Most Important Person in Your Life

It seems only right to reflect on the ways we are free this time of year. Last year at this time I thought about being free from environmental constraints and personal beliefs that limited my full jump into private practice. This year, I reflect on liberation from a specific kind of fear.... the fear of unconditional love.

Unconditional love generates from within and is cultivated by generous and warm offerings to oneself. I admit, I am better at this energy going outward versus inward. I see the fear of unconditional love being present in myself and in many of the clients I serve and it looks like this..."excuse me, I'm growing here." Resistance to unconditional love seems to serve a function of keeping a handle on self growth. For example, if I can maintain a critical eye of self, I can be ever-evolving and improving. Somehow, self-reflection slips into conditional love because we are tying self-acceptance to the process of change. It can also look like this: the thought pattern of rumination on things we need 'fix,' inevitable condemnation for some aspect of self, a plan of 'getting better,' and then a mind obsessively looking for relief by executing that plan. It seems inconceivable in those vulnerable moments to embrace the shame or discomfort we are experiencing as THE solution, so instead we meet those places with logic, judgment and striving... "excuse me, I'm growing here."

I see the independence from fear as a departure from the current process of listening to the inner critic. Not avoidance, not projection and certainly not denial, but a true discovering of the pure holy you.  Embracing self with love while in total imperfection is the practice. "Happiness lies in finding not what is missing, but in finding what is present."-Tara Brach

So how can you express this type of freedom? I can tell you it creeps up on me through a rush of emotion- usually anger, shame or sadness. And through the door of that emotion, I know that there is wisdom there, but not before I allow compassion to enter. I also refocus to the fact that whatever lesson I learn, I know it doesn't make me 'better,' it just makes me different. I am already whole and so are you. Nothing I do takes me closer or farther away from that truth.  Compassion and kindness are the most important ways we can open the door to learn wholehearted things about our life. I encourage you to allow the compassion lens to come to the party first. The reason for that is because compassion breeds space, quietness, and understanding. If we want to learn something new, it indeed takes a mindful garden to grow that consciousness. The alternative is a race we cannot win.

Just to give you an example of how this might work, let's say we connect to the belief that we might after all be "as bad as our fears" and when touching that, we either dive into it and wallow, or run like hell into a projection or addictive pattern to avoid seeing it. By doing so, we develop a recycled pattern that we go to each time we are triggered. Tara Brach teaches an alternative strategy which is to 'lean into the fear." She states: "leaning into fear does not mean losing our balance and getting lost in fear. Because our usual stance in relating to fear is leaning away from it, to turn and face fear directly serves as a correction. As we lean in, we are moving toward what we habitually resist. Leaning in allows us to touch directly the quivering, the shakiness, the gripping tightness that is fear."

The kicker? The truth is that it is the fear that captures us like a monster because of our unhealthy relationship with it. The belief of being wrong or bad is not actually true, but the fear of it makes it seem true and bigger than it is. No one is wholly right, good or perfect anyway. And so what if we aren't? If we can learn to hold compassion for the fear and shame in the imperfect place.... then we are liberated. But in order to do that, we gotta lean in. This practice realized means our happiness and self-worth become about the way we love ourselves in difficult moments, and not about the way we act in the first place. I believe this is the secret to loving yourself. The beauty of this practice also means that without effort, you will expand this perspective to everyone around you. You will also begin to see others through eyes of love. So perhaps we can also say that this is the secret to world peace. Who knew that loving yourself could have that kind of impact?

Consider Hafiz who writes...

"It happens all the time in heaven,
And some day
It will begin to happen
Again- on Earth-

That men and women...
Who give each other
Light,
Often will get down on their knees

And... With tears in their eyes,
Will sincerely speak, saying,

'My dear,
How can I be more loving to you;
How can I be more 
Kind?'"

This independence day, consider the chains you'd be willing to break free from within your own mind. Consider how might you live happier by discovering after all, that you can accept and love yourself unconditionally, in this moment, unadulterated.

Wishing you peace and freedom. Learn more about Rasa Healing here.