I Am the Queen of Judgment and I Am the Queen of Tolerance

Intolerable people in my mind are the kinds of people with dark, narrow-minded, condemning, greedy, selfish interests. I have so often railed against these "intolerable people".... judging them, standing on my soap box from up above and pointing my righteous finger. I feel justified. I squint my eyes and smack my lips, toss my nose up in the air and think negative things about them.  Like most of us, I have developed my own moral code. I have this way in my head how things should be and how others should be treated; what seems right and wrong. Things like equality, mutual respect, open-mindedness, compassion, acceptance and justice. No one elected me to be the queen of discernment in this area, but I assume this role nonetheless. Based on my description of the "intolerable," one would imagine that I am referring to the those in society cast out...the evil, criminal or the crazy; yet nothing could be farther from the truth. Upon further reflection of myself, I realized that I am referring to what some would describe as "normal people." In my head, the "intolerable people" are those who litter, cut you in line at the supermarket and play music too loudly in their cars. If you are a young or wounded soul, you get a pass, but if you are conscious enough to know better, then you get my judgment.

Working in a field with chronically unwell souls for the past 10 years has afforded me the opportunity to observe many of the so-called "intolerable" humans on planet earth and ironically, I find none of them intolerable. The lawless, deviant and pathological...I see them all as lost souls, lacking coping, crying out for help, and I even go so far as to feel compassion for them. I am interested, abundantly patient, and am unwavering in my belief of their ability to heal. These folks can blame me, ignore me and curse me to the darkest hole and still yet I see them with loving eyes. How do I do this? More importantly, the stranger question is why do I do this with the "extremely intolerable" yet have little tolerance with the "mildly intolerable?" This question is an enigma. I recently was acting in my queen-like way, citing my distaste of a person who spoke so negatively of others publicly as a tool for attention-seeking. This law-abiding, otherwise ethical person, had me boiled. When I was telling the story of this person, I was quickly corrected by my partner who so wisely asked: "why is it that you judge people for judging people?" He went on to add: "you are doing the exact thing that you are judging in this person." I was stumped, he was right, and I was busted.

I believe that this question can reveal a lot about a person. I have recently learned, that it has revealed a lot about me. It can be an interesting question for you to ponder as well. The gradations of human behavior and what we deem as acceptable or unacceptable can help inform us of our own moral code, unhealed wounds and internal projections. Since the remarkable revelation and irony of my hypocrisy, I have vowed to find love in my heart for all "intolerable" people and the situations they create. The chronically unwell I've got down, I just need to find room in my grinch-like heart to see the light within those who know better but can't act better. My mission is to embrace tolerance of the "mildly intolerable." It is either do this, or live as a hypocrite...which doesn't seem like an option for my righteous way of life. I learn new things about myself every day that I'd like to heal and reveal. The more I can clean my surface of the dust of the ego and the pain of the past, the more my divinity of inherent perfection can shine through. I share this lesson with you today, to challenge you to do the same.

Perhaps we can begin to examine the extremes in our beliefs and rigidity in our perceptions. To begin this exploration, observe your thoughts closely. Watch what you think and how you judge certain people and circumstances...take note. Who do you find tolerable, intolerable and mildly intolerable? Perhaps make a list of qualities for each of these 3 categories. Better yet, after doing this list, ask yourself how you connect to those you find tolerable. What similarities do you see? Conversely, ask yourself what personal experiences make certain behaviors in others inexcusable to you. Another fantastic journaling activity would be to make a list of the qualities in your personal moral code. Identify how you believe they were formed and reinforced throughout your life. All of these options for exploration will provide you with rich data about yourself and help you to see all the ways in which you love and judge in the world.

Why do we care about becoming tolerant? This is a good question. For me, I care because I want to be happy. I don't want to be sitting around eating spaghetti dinner talking about a person I dislike with steam coming out of my perfectly elevated snooty nose. My goal is to be the queen of tolerance, not judgment. I'd love to feel compassionate towards some people and work to find acceptance and empathy for the ones I struggle with. Perhaps the man who flicks me off on the highway has been raised in a volatile family environment which afforded him none of the anger management skills needed to navigate life. Maybe he's doing the best he can with what he's got. This might be applicable to all: Maybe we're all just doing the best we can with what we've got. Irrespective of this, the "mildly intolerant" people that crawl under my skin are no better or no worse as a result of my judgment. Only I become worse because of my judgment. The only way to transcend this outcome is to be accepting. This way I can model the reaction and empathy needed by practicing tolerance. Not only can this behavior be observed and learned by others, it can be felt by those struggling to behave this way themselves. One way I do this is by seeing that all humans have the right to be and act how they want, it is not for me to be the queen of discernment after all. When I see someone do something that would otherwise irritate me, I try to say instead "Wow, that's very different than what I would do." I try to see that people are different, that my way isn't necessarily THE way, and then I try to move on and let it go. In the best case scenario, I can not only feel neutrality, but I can also find acceptance or understanding by trying to reflect on what that person might have gone through to act that way. This second step is harder indeed, but will bring greater compassion and happiness to a world already filled with too much negativity. So to review: Step (1) challenge yourself to see others as having the right to do things differently than you, and Step (2) challenge yourself to imagine what they might have experienced in life to cause the behavior you dislike.

My lesson on this topic continues, and my affirmations are below. Steal them and use them, I will not judge you for it.

• I see the world with open-mindedness and I let all people be where they are
• I understand that all people have struggles and those struggles take many forms
• I let myself see the light and beauty in everyone
• I choose happiness over being right.
• I lead by example and act in the world how I want to be treated.
• It's okay for me to feel unhappy about a behavior someone else does, but it's not okay for me to repeat that behavior. It can stop with me. 

Due to only being able to post one blog during the month of September, I've tried to make it a powerhouse post. Please see the below beautiful guided meditation related to this post, enjoy!

 Link: Guided Meditation on Releasing Anger and Embracing Tolerance

May love and compassion be at your side. Jai great ones!