The Softness Inside

Most recently I have embarked on the journey of motherhood and I have learned that this journey is not without glimmering relevance to self-criticism and self-sacrifice.  I am tasked with looking at how to embrace softness and integrate it within my being. It seems to only flow outward to my child, to the staff I supervise, to the clients I serve, to my partner, and most recently to a camera lens staring back at me at work. Softness only kicks back to me, from me, minimally and without intention. I have the ability to maintain a bird's eye view in the moment but it doesn't help me much because I still neglect or criticize myself. I just watch myself, totally aware, neglecting self-care or criticizing, which somehow seems worse than being ignorant to the need for it at all. Why do I do this?

I am a sensitive soul and I yearn for the softer side of life. I appreciate, soak in, and linger in hearing meaningful music, sensing emotion, making eye contact, reading beautiful words and so on. I cry often and it's who I am. I appreciate the sharing of smiles amongst strangers. I allow my partner to hug me in the rain in our driveway. I squeeze my son and whisper sweet somethings to him while nibbling his ear. I also experience a harshness, a brillo pad-like sensation, when I come across others lacking compassion with themselves or the world. I have been known to scoff at meanness... get on a soap box, clear my throat, speak my truth, and drop the mic. Yet I can't seem to capture the reason that runs away from me for why it is acceptable from me to be harsh to myself. I don't fiercely defend myself from myself.

I think diving deeper into this means looking at the one feeling tied to almost all things immobilizing: fear. I think I fear not trying enough, being too much or too little. The kind of fear regarding judgment and rejection that hides in crevices. I overextend because of fear of stopping within my limits. I wait until the bullet hits me and I fall down. I admire Neo, in The Matrix, who can see the bullet coming, who puts his hand up, and prevents the bullet from even reaching him. There seems to be an imaginary boundary there. I want to be like him when I grow up. Invincible. Completely grounded, calm, powerful, all-knowing. Right now I am all of those things in my heart. I want to be those things fully, in application. Cue slow motion walking, wind machine, and great music.

Everyday I move closer to snuggling up to the softer side of myself by watching when I am hard on myself. By writing about this, I reinforce my ability to do it. I hope it also inspires you to practice gentleness in your life. To breathe awareness into your experience, your behaviors, and most importantly to the voices in your head. Awareness will only move you closer to acceptance- which is the ultimate gentleness we can offer to ourselves.

Each day I move towards gentleness
Like a feather
Softly and with grace
Tickling, like a feather
The softness inside
That creates peace
The softness inside
Is who I am meant to be.

Jai!